The Girl in the Mirror
2024 Self Portrait Series - May
I grew up with an aversion to mirrors. Unless I was getting ready in the morning, I had no interest in seeing my reflection. There was an elevator I had to use every day that had mirrors on all four walls. I hated it, and would always awkwardly inspect my shoes until the lift reached my floor. It feels weird to admit, but I was ironically proud of this quirk. Being uninterested in engaging with my reflection seemed to me like a display of humility.
I can’t remember a time when I didn’t feel this way, so I don’t know how it started. I can understand why I thought it was a good thing, though. Take the tale of Narcissus – a man so enamored with his reflection that he couldn’t take his eyes away. His self-obsession was all-consuming; he couldn’t eat or sleep and eventually died, still gazing into his own eyes.
Death by vanity. How embarrassing.
So I felt comfortable in my discomfort around mirrors. That is, until I moved into an apartment that had mirrors everywhere. It was a small one-bed, one-bath space in Denver, and the mirrors were strategically placed to make it feel bigger than it was. It did miracles for the condo, but it was my nightmare; my reflection was everywhere in my own space. It was like the elevator I hated, except I lived here. No corner was safe.
Around the same time, my therapy-informed business coach started introducing somatic principles into my life; one of the things she encouraged me to do was have dance parties with myself when I felt anxiety or apathy. She even made me curated playlists, it was adorable.
Still, I felt apprehension at the task. Especially in my new apartment with my new “roommate” who followed me everywhere I went. I don’t even like looking that girl in the eyes, why would I want to dance with her? I decided to force myself to try it. After all, it was my first time living on my own. I couldn’t escape her anyway, so I decided it was a good time to get to know the girl in the mirror.
Recently, I read a different telling of the tale of Narcissus. In this one, the Nymphs of the forest visited the lake after Narcisuss died. They found that the lake had cried so much at Narcissus’ passing that the freshwater was now a lake of salty tears. They figured the lake was so sad because it could appreciate Narcissus’ beauty closer than anyone else.
“But… was Narcissus beautiful?” The lake replied. “I weep for Narcissus, but I never noticed that Narcissus was beautiful. I weep because, each time he knelt beside my banks, I could see, in the depths of his eyes, my own beauty reflected.”
I immediately understood the lake. I have always thought the most beautiful part of love was finding pieces of yourself in the other. And, quite frankly, I’ve spent most of my adult life addicted to chasing that. I don’t like looking at myself in the mirror, but I’ve always loved seeing myself reflected in other people’s eyes.
It sounds like a romantic sentiment, but this proclivity of mine has led to a lot of heartache. I haven’t always been in touch with who I want to be, but I’m an expert at deducing what others want me to be. For me, it’s so much easier to check other people’s boxes than it is to figure out my own. What do I want? That question alone could send me into a mental tailspin.
I find it poetic – the way that pieces of the psyche manifest themselves in the physical world. I look at my quirk of avoiding mirrors in this way. I spent so long avoiding looking directly at myself in one. I also spent most of my life subconsciously avoiding being alone. All to escape one question: Who am I when there’s nobody around to inform me on who I “should” be?
So is the answer to only care about myself? No. I’ve had my fair share of experiences with narcissistic personalities. I’ve felt how someone’s inability to look outside of their own perspective can burn all of those around them. It leads to a very lonely existence. I have no interest in participating in that. Why, then, am I portraying myself as Narcissus in this self-portrait?
Imagine the lake and Narcissus as two sides of the same coin. On one side, your self-obsession doesn’t leave room for anyone else. On the other, your lack of self-identity makes you look outside of yourself for it. You’ll spend your life trying to make others pleased because you can only be happy if they are. Both leave you unfulfilled. And, as it always goes with extremes, I think the cure for either is to lean a little bit into the other.
Self-care isn’t just lighting candles and bubble baths; sometimes it’s being willing to look at your reflection with kind honesty. How are you showing up to your life? How are you perpetuating the patterns you don’t want in your life anymore? How can you show up differently? It turns out that self-reflection doesn’t have to be cruel.
For me, part of that process looked like dance parties of one in my living room. My time living alone led to so much growth as I started to cultivate a relationship with myself. Instead of being uncomfortable with being on my own, I started to crave my alone time.
Even now, my self-awareness sometimes feels like the weakest mental muscle in my psyche. So I’m still figuring it out, but it feels amazing to start identifying the things that matter to me, without external influence, and live a life built around that.
And, best of all, I started to realize the girl in the mirror wasn’t so bad. Sure, her dance moves are atrocious, and she’s made lots of mistakes. But she’s resilient and determined to learn and grow. I genuinely love that about her.
If I’m the lake in this story, I don’t want to wait around for someone else to show me my reflection. I want to jump into my own waters and explore the depths. Before, I thought that prioritizing myself meant that I was being selfish. Now I know that growth isn’t loving yourself instead of others; it’s loving everyone that you care about, but making sure your name is on that list, too.
How it was made
Nighttime Narcissus Photoshoot Behind the Scenes
Daytime Narcissus Photoshoot Behind the Scenes
inspiration & Additional reading
“The Alchemist” by Paulo Coelho – Retelling of the Narcissus Tale
“On Our Best Behavior: The Seven Deadly Sins and the Price Women Pay to Be Good” by Elise Loehnen – This book details the seven deadly sins and the societal pressure on women to live up to certain ideals. It’s a fascinating analysis of where these ideals come from and the benefits and harms these standards may have. The chapter on Pride was especially insightful for this piece.
“The Way of Integrity: Finding the Path to Your True Self” by Martha Beck – If you relate to this piece, I can’t recommend this book enough. It’s a step-by-step guide on getting in touch with your inner self and living a life aligned with that.
“The Crane Wife: A Memoir in Essays” by CJ Hauser – This beautiful book got me reading again. I found the stand-alone essay “The Crane Wife” so relatable, and I had to have more. If you learn best through reading other people’s experiences and also experience patterns of codependency, you might want to start here.
