Poker Face
2024 Self Portrait Series - April
I’m a pro at keeping my cards close to my chest. It’s like I hand-select which parts of myself to reveal to each person – a version of my personality custom-crafted just for them. It’s a gift and a curse; it gives me superhuman people-pleasing tendencies, but it also gives me superhuman people-pleasing tendencies.
There’s an exception, though. With those closest to me, I have no poker face with my emotions. Even when I’d prefer to hide my true feelings, they’ll usually bubble up and present as flushed cheeks and a passive-aggressive “It’s fine.” If I love you, you can read me like a book.
I’ve always been this way. My family teases me for a particular furrowed brow I get when I disapprove. And it’s with romantic love, too. I remember a high school boyfriend telling me that the best and worst part about dating me was that he never had to wonder what I was feeling.
This trait has evolved as I’ve changed and grown, but I don’t think it’s going anywhere. I’m trying to make friends with it, but sometimes I still find myself wishing that I could apply my chameleon-like tendencies to my most intimate relationships. Feel less, need less. How strange – to desire the capacity to pretend to be something you’re not for someone else’s comfort or acceptance. What good would that do anybody? Being a chameleon has its perks, but it’s hard to be known when revealing yourself one card at a time.
This is my third month of keeping a promise to myself to do a creative self-portrait once a month. April’s project is based on trying to have a poker face but unintentionally showing your whole hand. Those darn heart-shaped glasses will get ya every time, but maybe that’s not such a bad thing. I’m not here to win, anyway.
How it was made
I ended up having to combine 5 different images to make this one work. Nailing the angle of the light, the glasses, and the cards was a tricky dance.
