Envy Green
When I was in elementary school, there was a girl that always color-coordinated her outfits. If she wore a red shirt, she would have a red hair tie, and red shoelaces. She was relentlessly teased for her unique wardrobe. All the kids in our grade thought her outfits were weird and snickered behind her back, so I did, too.
The world I lived in was beige – literally. For fear of ruining resale value, my parents refused to consider any paint color outside the limited range between eggshell and ivory. It was a big deal when our family started experimenting with color on our walls. But even then, I kept my room a modest grey.
When I was younger, I thought everyone was supposed to follow the unspoken rules in my beige world. I don’t even remember my schoolmate’s name, but I remember being profusely annoyed by her outfits. I know now that this says nothing about her but a lot about me.
Her favorite color was Kelly Green. I find this detail meaningful because I now recognize my judgment of her as repressed envy. She was wearing green, but I *was* green – green with envy. I didn’t like being stuck in my beige world, and I was upset that she was brave enough to dress however she wanted, not caring what any of the kids said about her.
It wasn’t until a couple of years ago that I started wearing bright, bold athleisure. I was surprised to find that wearing all yellow helped me feel happier when I was down. Wearing color was addictive. I’m now a colorful caricature, combining different saturated colors daily. My bright wardrobe has brought ridicule from random strangers and even ex-partners, but I couldn’t care less.
It reminds me of a girl I myself used to make fun of but actually admired. That’s the thing about envy… gone unchecked, it has you in its control, dancing like a puppet on a string. You’ll project all of your discomfort on the unfortunate target of your jealousy, unaware of why. But, if you tap into it instead of repressing it, it shows you parts of yourself. Envy is a signal towards what you want, who you want to be. Envy might just be worth following.
